God, only you can get me through today. Only you can help me face up to the challenges. Give me strength. Give me wisdom about what to do. :) with the job. With this guy thing.
It’s kinda strange to be asking for strength not just in terms of food and eating and stuff but in other more “normal” areas of my lfe- but I suppose that’s a good thing. :)
The serenity prayer rings in my head.
today was such a big breakthrough on so many fronts. i’m so proud of myself, as proud (sorry lack of vocab) as that sounds. yay thank you God for so much strength.
A week.. a month ago, I never would have been able to do this- to go out with a friend and actually eat. despite my mood. to eat prata. and have a dessert. and actually feel happy. not guilty, or less guilty.
God, you’ve been so faithful. so good :)
I’m so happy.
(via
Beelog)
The past week has just been a whirlwind of emotions- i DONT even know where to begin. From the anxiety of starting new jobs, to the severe low after going for the ICS graduation, to the overwhelming feelings I’ve not felt in awhile for a guy, to it all finally settling down and having a really good saturday and sunday hanging out with friends- old and new, as well as family.
Looking back, I don’t think I could have gotten through it all without God. In those moments, especially after the ICS graduation, after getting the impression I might get fired at work, etc, I really didnt see how it would be “for my good”; I didnt see how God was working in it all.
How could a comment telling me I looked better and thus making me feel horrible and fat be “for my good”? How could the possibility of losing a job I just got thus making me feel like i WASNT good enough be “for my own good”? How could starting to feel feelings again for a guy be “for my good” since I usually end up getting hurt.
But the thing is, I got through it. God got me through it, he got me through this week. And amazingly, I didnt die; I ate, I didnt starve, I didnt respond to everything with a “i WANT to starve” and.. nothing happened. What I never thought was possible is/was. Yes, there were still struggles and outbursts but its been amazing, how the emotional aspects have gotten so much better- my default is changing. And its only because of God- his love, his power, his strength.
To wrap up the whole week, today and yesterday was good- hanging out with old friends/cousins and actually eating and talking over a meal without stress, watching movies and laughing from the heart because i WASNT too worried about how i was sitting down, worshipping God wholeheartedly and feeling joy in service, getting a happy meal with my dad and feeling happy (not guilty), hanging out and talking to with people that God has sent in for this season of my life (Aeneas, Dez etc), reminders from people who care, helping out friends in the middle of the night and feeling LIKE i can help, having such amazing parents and a dad who loves me more than I think is humanly possible. These all just serve as reminders that at the end of the day (or week), God has my back- Everything will work out for good. I just have to trust, and obey. There’s more to go, I acknowledge that, so much more. But its a process, and i’m glad that I’ve been enpowered and God has given me the strength.
He’s blessed me so much- with opportunities, friends, families. Most importantly, his love. And what can I do but praise him, but worship him- not just in song, but with my actions and thoughts and life?
“Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God”
I remember after graduation, one part of me just went “screw it”; i’m just going to stop talking to person a and person b, there’s no point, the relationship is beyond repairing, they dont even care, so why should I? Why should I put myself out there to be vulnerable? To have the possbility of getting hurt yet again?
Then, it struck me, isnt that firstly, pure pride. Secondly, didnt God do the same thing? Isnt that what he experiences on a daily basis? Getting rejected? And what would have happened if he were to have had the same mentality as me: “Why should I die for them or try to have a relaitonship with them? they might fail me, they might still reject me”. Now, thank God that God is God because the reality of that is really scary: We wouldnt be saved. And I definitely do not want to spend eternity in a scorching hot pit (Singapore is hot enough, thank you very much). Third, i SUPPOSE “its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved”. :) AS MUCH AS I HATE TO BELIEVE or admit it.
Plus, God always comes through. Always.
(via
Beelog)
Went for the ICS graduation
Feel like crap
“you look better”
I hate that line
People moved on with their lives
People from the past
Social awkwardness
Not getting a hug
Pretty much getting ignored
Right now God I just feel like starving
But I know that’s not the right thing
I need prayer
I don’t want to slip back or just do somethig based on these feelings
But they are so overwhelming
God please help
i wish you would ask how i was
how i’m doing
not just this shallow talk.. or some of it
i just want to know you still care
do you?
(via
Beelog)
Over the past week especially, i’ve been trying to rekindle old friendships- friendships that i’ve (or the ed) has hurt, either by constant cancelling, or by just pure drifting. there’s been so many. and its been so hard, harder than i thought possible.
This has basically come as a result of my parents allowing me to go out more with friends (even for some meals!) because of the progress i’ve been making, because they’ve been seeing me take steps I’ve never done apart from the hospital setting.
However, had a complete meltdown today. It was and has been basically a slap in the face- looking at old pictures, realizing what things were there.. how blessed i was, how these past 2 years have hurt so much, what i’ve lost etc. Even hanging out with friends, and realizing that talks are so shallow compared to how they were, how I’m so “out of the loop”, how much people have moved on with their lives. Talked to my Dad about it (thank god for him) and came to a few realizations.
i’m not going to elaborate too much. basically, there’s work to be done.. mending of certain relationships. but also of letting go.. of things that are and will always be in the past. those great memories. but thats all they will be now. memories. i’ve learnt, but i’ve got to let go.
“that summer was great. but its unrealistic to think that you will get that back again”.
of course, it hurts. so much. to have people tell me that “they’d be there no matter what”… to realize people have moved on, people have gotten sick of me being sick. words are just words. “i’ll be there” “best friends”. but seriously, people move on. and so maybe i need to do the same. not just with friends, but with this enemy as well. or “Frenemy”. elocin. elosin. liar liar pants on fire.
i cant keep living in the past. there’s a joyce meyer quote that talks about how our past may be the reason we are in bondage, but it cant be the reason we stay in it. I think the same holds true in this case.
The verse that comes to mind is from Isaiah: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
I know God will come through- as he always does. He always provides the right people in different seasons- in his perfect timing. Right now, i dont see that. Lord, help me to see. Give me patience. I feel really alone- but I know you are there. Thank you for the friendships that still remain- give me wisdom to know which ones to invest in. Lord, give me humility and discernment.
God has been faithful. He is faithful.
(via
Beelog)
I can’t depend on anyone
But God.
Only God.
I can’t even.
I don’t even want to start.
Forgiveness
Redemption
Blood is thicker than water
God, thank you for always being there
Life without Ed
God is so good. This morning, woke up to the sound of thunder and droplets of rain. I was rather annoyed. There had been plans made to go cycling with my dad. I knew it was probably not the right thing to dwell on, but a large part of me was angry and flustered at the thought of plans changing.
Figuring i could not do anything like change the weather, or control it, I decided to speak and pray in faith. I thanked God for the rain. I also asked him for a sign, for a message to remind me of his goodness.
As I prayed, the stormed seemed to get worst- the wind blew hard, the thunder louder and the rain potter pattering even harder.
Then, I picked up my phone and got a message from Andrew: ” Hey nic! You are a child of God, made in His perfect image and you’re BEAUTIFUL. Good morning! :D ”
God. You are so good. You never cease to surprise me and shower your love through so many people. Thank you for reminders of how you come trough in different ways, in the midst of what seems to be a horrible storm.
Rainbows only come after the rain :)
It’s one of those days- I missed breakfast. I exercised. I had a fight with my dad. I got weighed and freaked out. I have not been in the most productive or positive mood. I slipped. Or wait, I relapsed. No wait, maybe I just lapsed.
As my dad left, he reminded me of the progress I had made. In a sterner tone, he added, “please don’t go down this path”. “What path? Does he expect a perfect recovery?”.
As I thought more about it, I couldn’t figure out what “path” he meant. Did he mean the path of relapse? The path of a slip? I finally decided to look up the terms online and this is what I found:
Slip- a single occurrence of the addictive behavior
Lapse: a group of slips, occurring in a small time frame
Relapse: a full return to addictive behavior with all the consequences associated with full-blown use (negative). That is, a full return to addictive behavior.
For some reason, reading that did not provide any comfort. Was this a slip? But it was more than one aspect wasn’t it? What is a “short time frame”? A few days? These, along with a myriad of other questions, bounced around in my head.
I decided to next my mentor, Nani. I told her what had happened- how I felt like a failure, how I didn’t think I could get back up because of “how big” a slip I had, how I felt like all progress I had was wasted (etc, etc). I’m not sure what I expected to hear, but she replied with:
“No don’t believe it. Everyone has a bad day now and then. Choose to believe that god is your strength. He will bring you through”
The lies fought back. No. That can’t be right. But I failed. I did so badly. God won’t bring me through this. I’ve slipped. He’s angry. He’s disappointed. Now I have to go back to square one.
Despite the large fleshly part of myself that told me not to, I knew that I had to turn to God’s word. I had to. And then it struck me. I was trying to do this all in my strength. My own strength. So obviously I was failing. I was right. I would not be able to pick myself back up. God would. I would have to start back at square one. But God didn’t. He could start wherever he left off, wherever he wanted. I was so focused on me, on the terminologies that I forgot what or who had brought me all the progress in the first place. God.
I was then reminded of the verse in Philippians:
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14 NIV)”.
It humbled me. As Gods truth usually does. I was and am in a process. I will, because I am not perfect, have slips. I have not arrived at my goal. However, I am still in the process. God is made perfect in my weakness. When I am weak, he is strong.
Yeah sure, I could listen to the lies. The lies telling me that I’ve messed up once again. I won’t ever get better. Since I’ve slipped, I might as well put off recovery until I get another burst of momentum or inspiration. But isn’t that what led me here in the first place? How will that be in line with Gods word which tells me to “forget what is behind” and “lay my heart on the prize”.
Most important though, I think, is the part about “keeping our eyes on Jesus, who is the author and PERFECTER of our faith”. That says it all. He is the PERFECTER. Not me. Once I get my eyes off him, things won’t go well.
So maybe I had a slip. Maybe I had a lapse. Heck, maybe I even had a “relapse” as defined in some medical encyclopedia. But who cares what it is. The point is to get back on the wagon, to get right back rather than wait and try to figure out what went wrong. That can all happen later (I was reminded of my post on fires).
Recently, my friend Ben has introduced me to a term- YOLO. You only live once. I think the biblical translation of that term is “this is the day that the lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it”. Here, on earth, I have one life. One life to bring glory to God. Today is a day I will never get back. Sure, the past few hours I may have messed up, but I don’t have to do that for the other half of the day. Maybe I’ll even learn from this slip. But right now, I’m not going to listen to the lies. I’m going to listen and focus on gods truths.
His love never fails. He remains the same. If he is for me, who can be against me.
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Beelog)